一、急需英语长笑话、带翻译额
你是怎么引起洪水的。
A doctor vacationingthe Riviera metlawyer friendasked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, I'm here because my house burned down,the insurance company paideverything. What are you doing here? That's quitecoincidence, saiddoctor I'm here because my house were destroyed byflood,my insurance company also paideverything. The lawyer looked puzzled. Gee, he asked, how did you startflood?
医生在里维埃拉度假时遇到他位律师朋友，医生问他怎么会到这里来。律师回答：“我到这里因为我房子被火烧，保险公司赔偿我所损失。” “真巧，”医生说，“我因为房子被洪水冲垮，保险公司也赔偿我所损失。”律师看起来些困惑，他问“哎呀！你怎么引起洪水？”
英语笑话：from America 它们是从美国带来的
Not long after an old Chinese woman came backChina from her visither daughterthe States, she wenta city bankdepositUS dollars her daughter gave her. Atbank counter,clerk checked each note carefullysee ifmoney was real. It madeold lady outpatience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. Trust me, Sir,trustmoney. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America.
位中国老太太去美国看望女儿回来久，到家市银行存女儿给她美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查每张钞票，看否假。 这种做法让老妇人很耐烦，最后她实在忍住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这些都真正美元，它们都直接从美国带来。”
如果还要的话。 请去 这个网站。。 全是英文笑话。
二、哪有经典的笑话
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.1
男：“我可以向你问路吗？”
女：“到那里？”
男：“到你心里”
女：“抱歉，此路不通”
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.2
男：“你的腿一定很累吧!”
女：“为什么？”
男：“因为你在我脑海中跑了一整天”
女：“我觉得还行，因为你的脑子实在是太小了”
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.3
男：(看着她衬衫的标签)
女：“你在做什么？”
男：“想知道你是不是天堂制造的”
女：“难道你是地狱出品？”
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.4
男：“我今天很不顺利，看见漂亮女生微笑会让我心情好一点，你可以为我笑一下吗？”
女：“你想让我今天也不顺利吗？”
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.5
男：“抱歉，我是艺术家，凝视美女是我的工作”
女：“抱歉，我是饲养员，被别人看着我会很不舒服”
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.6
男：“小姐可以借我五元吗？”
女：“你要做啥？？”
男：“我要打电话给我妈说我今天看到了一个绝世大美女。”
女：“很抱歉我不能借给你。”
男：“为什么。”
女：“因为我要打电话到医院，说自己被一个青蛙吓到了。”
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.7
男：“今天的雨真大。”
女：“是啊。”
男：“那是因为老天对着你流口水。”
女：“这么说刚才刮的那阵风是老天在对你放P了？”
【男的话绝，女的回答更绝】No.8
男：“相信我……我会让你成为世界上第二幸福的人!”
女：“为什么不是第一啊……”(装可爱貌)
男：“有了你……我就是最幸福的人!”(浅浅的微笑)
女：“我想我很快就能成为世界第一幸福的人了。”(遐想状)
男：“为什么？”(疑惑)
女：“因为我就要摆脱你的纠缠了。”
三、英语4人搞笑小话剧
焦仲卿johnny(jforshort)
刘兰芝lunch(lforshort)
焦母johnny’s mother(jmforshort)
刘母lunch’s mother(lmforshort)
太守之子mayor’sson(msforshort)
强盗burglars(abandc)
prologue 序幕
(j作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,j被打中,狼狈不堪)
j:everybody says that i’m hen pecked, but in fact,i’m a strong tiger,(小声)while my
wife is wusong.
译：人人都说我怕老婆，实际上我是老虎，（小声）我妻子是武松。
(指着上台处的门大声道)i’m not afraid of you!
译：我才不怕你呢！
(内砸出一脸盆,j接住当成盾牌护着头)then, i’m afraid of whom! my wife lunchi is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.she is braver than me,smarter than me and stronger than me .all this i donot care. i only want she to be tender than me. but she is not! having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!
译：谁怕谁啊！在邻里中，我妻子是最有名气的。她比我勇敢、比我聪明、比我强壮。我也不在乎这些。我只觉得她该对我温柔些，但是她却不懂温柔！有这样的太太就像活在地狱中啊！
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中j)
my god! who can help me?(下)
译：我的天！谁来救救我啊？
act1 第一幕
(序幕结束时,jm作窃听状)
jm(拄拐棍上):i can!
(对门内)lunch! lunch! where are you?
l(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):i’m here! what’s up ，mum?
jm:i have told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother in law”.
l:ok.my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?
jm:since you married my son you have be havedso badly.you have been so rude, so brusque,so
lazy……
l:but……
jm:never interrupt me!
l:never interrupt me! since i married your son, that terrible johnny,i have been working hard all
daylong,cooking and washing. i have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken
and……
jm:but all those you have done arenot asvaluable as a grandson!
l(生气地挥动着锅铲):oh,you want a grandson,don’t you?(开始解围裙)go and ask your son. i’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在jm的脸上,下)
act2
(lm坐在台上打毛线,l拿着锅铲上)
l:mum, i’m back!
lm:you are back?why?what happened?
l:i was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.
lm(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):see! i have already told you! when you insisted on
marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly tupid and poor, but you did not listen
to me. look at yourself……
l:but,mum……
lm:never interrupt me!
l:mum,i’m not interrupting you. i just want to tell you that you are always right ok? and
i’ll marry whomever you want me to.
lm(大喜):nice girl! just now, i met the mayor’s son in the market.he said:“if your daughter
haven’t been married,i really really want to marry her!”now you are free again, i ’ll go
and tell him.(下)
l(惊愕):what? the mayor’s son?the most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood? (手中的锅
铲掉在地上)what a silly thing i have done!(下)
act3
(j睡眼惺忪上)
j(边走边道):lunch! lunch! where are mysocks?
(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)here they are!(闻一下) er! how smelly! they are still dirty!
(突然想起)lunch has gone! i have to wash them myself.
(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)oh,i’m so hungry! but there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围
裙)this is what lunch always wears! i miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill! now
she has gone.i have to cook for my mother and myself.
jm(上):where’s my breakfast? where’slunch?hasn’t she got up yet?
j:mum, can’t you remember?lunch has gone!
jm(沉吟片刻):well, to tell you the truth johnny, a son without a wife is suseless. lunch is an ice
girl,go and take her back!
j(立正敬礼):yes madam!
act4
(j开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)
a:hey you!stop and listen to us!
the road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)
b:and i planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)
c:if you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了a的脚)
ab&c:give us all your money!
j(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):is 1mao enough?
(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)
a:what bad luck! this guy is broken!
b:if we cannot robany money today,we will havenot thing to eat tonight!
c:i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liulanzhi next month.we can go and
rob the wedding!
a&b:good idea!
j(惊讶):what? what? lunch is going to get married? it’s impossible!
ab&c:why? a pretty girl and a richman,what a good couple!
j:but lunch is my wife! we haven’t got divorced yet!
(突然有了主意)i’ve got an idea!you are going to rob the wedding, don’tyou? i’ll go
with you. you take the money and i take the bride.
b:have you got any experience?
j:no. but i’ve got this!(j脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)
act5
(转眼已到了婚礼之期．ms意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，j盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)
(j和三强盗跃至台中)
abc&j:hey you! stop and listen to us!
a:the road is built by me!
b:and i planted one tree.
c:if you want to go by this street---
j:give us all your money!
(l听到j的声音，掀起了盖头)
l(惊喜万分):johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到j的身边并躲到了的身后)
(ms大怒，挥拳向j打来．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l晕倒)
j(火冒三丈):how dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向ms冲去）
(j与ms混战，jm上，以拐杖击晕ms)
(j将ms胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)
j(扶起l，关切地问):honey, how are you?
l(哭状):i hurt a lot!
j:don’t cry baby.i’ll go and fetch the medicine. (下)
l(起身去追):wait for me! (跑下)
美国情景剧《成长的烦恼》，有空可以到普特英语网下载，www.putclub.com
人物：Tom，Jack 和 forune teller！
镜头一:
Jack：Tom，who do you think the man with a yellow straw hat on the stool in front of the palm trees？
Tom：I guess he must be a fortune teller.
Jack：Are you sure?
Tom：Yes,without a doubt. You see he is looking forward to talking to someone.
Jack：Maybe you are right. But Tom, can you read the palm?
Tom：Yes, I have read a lot of books about reading the palm.May I read your palm?
Jack: Yes,I’d love to. But I want to make fun of him.It is very funny.
镜头二:
(They pass through the sidewalk and walk to the fortune teller)
这个时候，Tom马上变换角色,去扮演算命师傅.对白精彩在这了.
Jack: Hi, my name is Jacke? Would you please read my palm?
Fortune teller: Yes,welcome to here. Sit down please. Give me your left hand.
Jack:But.I had a bad car accident last year.I lost my left arm. Nowadays , I do everything with my right hand. Life with one arm is very difficult.
Fortune teller: Are you kidding me?
Jack: No. I am serious. I hope you guess what I want to know.
Fortune teller: Now,please give your right hand. Let me see…..You must be between jobs. Your wish is to become a millionaire. But You do not know what to do.Let me tell you.
Jack:You are wrong. I am not poor. Though I am not a
million, I have a company, a flat,a car and 80,000 dollars.
Fortune teller: Oh, I know. Your girlfriend must have left you. You have lots of shortcomings. Maybe you don’t make the bed. Maybe you don’t clean the dishes. Maybe you are always in a bad mood. You must be as stubborn as a mule. If I were you, I would make a apology to her at first.
Jack: No,many girls like me. I have you guess the last chance.If you are wrong again, I won’t pay you money.
Fortune teller:You are up to monkey business.If I knew it, I would not read your palm.
Jack: You are right. You guess the answer is right.But it was too late.I hope you guess if I can pay you money.
2--Do you know much about computers?
--Not a great deal.
--I've just been reading an article about them.
They are used for all sorts of things now.
--For accounting systems and things you mean?
--Yes, but they're used for other things too. Do
you remember when we went to buy our tickets for
the flight to Greece?
--Yes.
--The man asked where we wanted to go, then he
typed out the information on a form and waited
for a reply. A few moments later he gave us our
tickets.
--Of course. His machine must have been connected
to a computer.
--That's right.
3关于不同爱好的对话.
Michael: hi, Charles, how are you?
Charles: fine. Thanks. You look great.
Michael: thank you. You know what? I took tennis classes recently and I find myself so crazy about it. I feel so energetic after playing tennis. Do you play tennis?
Charles: No. I don’t. I play football. Tennis is not as exciting as football.
Michael: Charlie, I am afraid I can’t agree with you at this point. It is much easier to find one tennis partner rather than finding a whole bunch of people to play football.
Charlie: well, don’t you think more people are more exciting? Playing tennis is like playing a ping pong game. Just playing back and forth. It’s a kind of boring.
Michael: Noooooooo! When you play tennis, you can keep fit and you don’t get hurt. There is too much body contact in playing football. I don’t want to be pushed, be stepped, be knocked down or……
Charles: that’s the best part of the game.
Michael: Sorry. I can’t talk to you now. I have to go to my tennis club now. My partner is waiting for me there.
Charles: ok. I have to call my buddies about our football match this afternoon. Bye!
Michael: bye!
4纯属原创，大家都是过来人，知道你的难处。还望笑纳。
(最后有点搞笑的成分)
人物：Rose, I(named Jack).
Rose: Hi, Jack.
Jack: Hi, Rose.
Rose: Long time no see, how are you doing?
Jack: I'm doing terribly bad. And how about you?
Rose: I'm fine, thank you. But you, what's up?
Jack: I just cannot find a agreeable job. The salary offered by those companies are really too low. I've had interview several companies, and they all felt satified to my performance, but when
hearing my salary request, they all could not offer.
Rose: Almost the same with my situation. The current job market is so stagnant. I'd have to adapt myself to the reality.
Jack: I cannot agree with you more. But you know, the salary they offered could even hardly afford my daily consumption.I just feel that's gotdamn crazy.
Rose: Hey, Jack, come on. Do you know the current situation of job market? There will be nearly 5 million college graduates nationwide, inclusive of a lot of masters. For my own sake, I gave up my baseline at last. Today, I've just signed a job contract with XX(公司名).
Jack: You're really appreciated to remind me. I gotta find a job as soon as possible even with a pretty low salary.
Rose: Cheer up, Jack. I don't think it matters to start with a low salary. You know, gold will shine everywhere. I believe you can get a decent job within 3 years as long as you're hard enough.
Jack: Thank you very much for your encouragement. Let us make a brilliant future hand in hand...
Rose: Hey，Jack. Don这有英语对话，你自己看!
't touch me...
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